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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  April 11, 2012 12:00am-1:05am PDT

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thanks for watching abc news. we hope you check out gma in the morning. kimmel is next and see you here tomorrow. >> jimmy: if you told someone that facebook acquired instagram, they'd think you were talking about a veneerial disease. >> dicky: david spade. >> it's hard to flirt with girls. not because i'm 60, but because -- >> dicky: sherri shepherd. >> jimmy: that's for sure. >> you are such an instigator. >> how to it will if your teache
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>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- david spade. sherri shepherd. and music from slash featuring myles kennedy and the conspirators. with cleto and the cletones. and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: high, everyone. i'm jimmy, the host of the show. thank you for watching.
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thank you for coming here to hollywood. i appreciate that. hey, you know, a great night. we appreciate it. i tell you something, we're lucky to be alive. i don't know if you heard, there was a bear on the loose not too far from us today, in the town of la crescenta. it was sighted going through a neighborhood looking for children to eat or something. he was captured by authorities, but not before our local affiliate captured him in this fantastic video. this is the bear. they estimate he weighs between 5 and 600 pounds. he starts to wander up the sidewalk area here. in the opposite direction, you see a guy on a cellphone texting. and he decides, i'm gonna get the hell out of here! best argument for telling people not to text and walk at the same
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time. i wonder what his last text would have been. they should get that the bear to do "dancing with the stars" next year. that would be something. we had a new "dancing with the stars" tonight, an elimination night and sherri shepherd was evicted from mam bo mansion. i feel bad for her because not only is she off "dancing with the stars," she has to go back to "the view." sherri and her partner val are on their way over here. i hate to see people get kicked off. just for once i'd like to see someone get kicked onto a reality show. this week was what they called rock week on "dancing with the stars." kiss performed last night. i think it was kiss. under the makeup, who could really tell? it could have been a bunch of day laborers from the parking lot at home depot.
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roche aun fegan danced to a song called, the time of my life. that's classic rock right there. brook burk asked them about the routine and in doing so was kind enough to provide us with our unintentional joke of the day. >> i like that she called me a man. >> there was a really sweet moment between the two of you that we saw in your package. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you shouldn't be looking in there. it was a semiserious injury last night. melissa gilbert had to be rushed to the hospital after suffering concussion and whiplash, which apparently exists. i thought it was something lawyers made up, but she got whiplash after she -- it seemed like she hit her head. we have video here. >> i hit my head.
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>> maxim fell, and she fell, then they were checking her out afterwards. gavin degraw pulled a huge move and carried her. that was a strong move. they laid her down and gave her oxygen. seems kind of unnecessary. but everyone was very concerned, including -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: gene simmons. [cheers and applause ] then imagine you hit your head. you wake up and you see gene simmons of kiss. you'd think you died and went to hell, right? this is a great thing. this say great video for those of us who watched mr. rogers when we were a kid. you remember the mailman? nowadays we wouldn't allow our kids in a room with someone called mr. mcfeely. apparently he's still alive and
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he's still at it. he goes around to schools to entertain children with a sidekick called the purple panda. as you'll see here, kids cannot get enough of the purple panda. >> purple panda! >> is he coming? >> oh, there he is, look, it's a panda. [ kids crying ] >> jimmy: there you go, kids. things have really gone to hell since mr. rogers left. in other colorful animal news, snooki from jersey shore has a new business venture, designing a line of slippers for kids. specifically for drunk kids.
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the president of the company she's partnering with said she's not just putting her name on the slippers, she's insisted on being involved in every step of the process and he's furious because that was not part of the deal. snooki's slippers for little snippers won't be available for a couple months, but we got our hands on a pair, or our feet on a pair. you can see the slippers are inspired by snoomy's real life. [cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, destiney. that's destiney in the role of snooki. [cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. facebook made a big purchase today. facebook is buying the photo-sharing service instagram for a billion dollars. you know instagram? an app that makes your photographs look like vintage
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polaroids. they got a billion dollars for that. for making your pictures look like crap. meanwhile poor tom from my space just announced he's selling his mom's polaroid camera on ebay for five dollars. a billion dollars -- i don't know. unless they have some faded washed out photos of mark zuckerberg killing a hooker, it doesn't make sense. if you said facebook acquired instagram, you'd think they were talking about a veneerial disease. so we told some senior citizens about it to get their take on it. >> today facebook acquired instagram. how do you feel about that merger? >> i have no idea. i don't know anything about it. i'm sorry. >> today facebook acquired instagram. how do you feel about that merger? >> about what? >> today facebook acquired
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instagram, how do you feel about that merger? >> i am 98 years old. >> how do you feel about the merger between facebook and instagram? >> huh. >> i'm not into any of that. >> huh. >> don't know anything about this new stuff. >> i'm not even sure i know what facebook is. >> i know what you mean. anyway, i can't answer that. >> um. i'm undecided on that one. >> don't get him started on it. thank you instagram. some of the winners of the big $656 million jackpot came forward today. three people went in together, two teachers and a school administrator, here they are,
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keeping their identities secret. for real, they're calling themselves the three amigos. each of them will get $35 million after taxes. all of them say they intend to keep their jobs at the school. imagine knowing that your teacher or co-worker mighting a multimillionaire. it could be anyone, but how can you figure out how. the maryland board of education has put out an instructional video today to help those students in maryland who might be wondering if their teacher is the one and to help maybe find out who it is. >> the maryland board of education presents how to tell if your teacher is a mega millions winner. a teacher who has just won $35 million may behave differently. he may dress differently. >> yo yo, pupils! >> you may see subtle changes in his attitude.
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[ laughter ] >> his teaching style may change as well. >> i think that i -- i think that i -- >> and finally, your teacher's schedule might change. >> yeah, i'll be right there. hey guys, i got to jet. i'm late for jay-z's launch party. school is [ bleep ] anyway. who wants lunch money! >> and that's how to tell if your teacher is a mega millions winner. [cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: there's a harrowing tale out of oklahoma city, an apartment building there caught fire. fortunately no one was seriously injured. more fortunately, we got a chance to meet this cheerful woman named sweet. >> an apartment kept fire crews busy this morning. nearly northwest 23rd. one resident described her
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horrifying experience. >> i woke up to get me a cold pop. i thought somebody was barbecueing. i said, oh, lard, jesus, it's a. then i ran out, i didn't grab no shoes or nothing, jesus. i ran for my life. then the smoke got to me. i got bronchitis. ain't nobody got time for that. >> jimmy: he really is everywhere. [cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it was a great moment on cnn yesterday, an exchange between wolf blitzer and jack cafferty. cafferty is like the cranky old guy on the muppet show. he was in fine form yesterday when there was a situation in "the situation room." >> now to another brutal attack. stand by we'll have much more on this coming up right after this.
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>> jack cafferty is back. unfortunately we got some confusing signals from the control room. not unusual in live television. >> highly unusual. i've been doing this show for seven years, and this has happened maybe once before. it's very unusual. and it doesn't look are very nice either. we're supposed to be more professional. >> i got confused, but now we got jack. so go ahead. >> sure. dump it in my lap when things go wrong. what's wrong with you? [cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: interesting new poll. they do these opinion polls almost every day. this one is from "the washington post" and abc news. 64% of voters prescribe president obama as friendly as likeable whereas only 26% said the same thing about mitt romney. obama scored higher than romney
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on health issues and women's affairs. >> but romney came in a solid first for who would enjoy doing the hokey pokey more. his chief rival ended his bid for the presidency, he suspended his campaign and conceded the race. rick perry, michelle backman and now rick santorum. it's going to be a great next season of celebrity apprentice. i'll tell you that. everyone in politics is talking about this. it was a surprise announcement. now we'll go out to his brother, brent santorum who joins us now from his home in harrisburg, pennsylvania. hello, brent. are you there? >> hi, jimmy. >> jimmy: this must be a disappointing day for you. >> not at all, jimmy. you know, as the proverb tells us, when life gives you lemons,
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make a sweetened lemon drink. >> jimmy: lemonade. >> pardon me? >> jimmy: when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. >> you can have your aids out there in holiday, we prefer a sweetened lemon drink. >> jimmy: so you're not disappointed then? >> quite the contrary, jimmy. when my brother called me over the tv with the news, i gathered my family together, my beautiful wife medusa and our eight children, faith, hope, charity, piety, grace, sobriety, abstinence and cinnamon. and i said, you should be proud of your uncle ricky because he stood tall for his core believes, low taxes, less government, and nothing in the butt. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: can you talk about the reasons why your brother pulled out?
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>> jimmy, first of all, a santorum doesn't ever pull out. he conceded. >> jimmy: okay. why did he concede? >> he conceded, not defeated. it's fitting this is taking place around easter because it reminds me of jesus's words to the romance at calvary when he told them, if you strike me down, i will become powerful than you could ever imagine. >> jimmy: jesus said that? >> yes, he did. >> jimmy: i'm pretty sure obi won ken obi said that? >> and the force was with him. >> jimmy: that's true. >> the point is, this is what's going to happen with my brother rick. he's going to rise again like jesus and sara palin.
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>> jimmy: okay. now your brother did not endorse mitt romney today during his speech. why didn't he do that? >> well, jimmy, nobody can deny that mitt romney is a powerful and worshipful man, with a chest full of thick hair and muscular thighs like those of a prized stallion. but i think rick just has a different vision for the country. in fact, he left me a message today. i think it says it all. >> jimmy: oh, oh. here's the guy that has an answering man. >> hello, medusa, grace abs stinence and sasha fierce santorum, please leaf us a message. >> hey, elbreezy, can you believe last night? oh, my god! >> hey, brother, it's rick. i'm getting out of the race, but i want you to know that this fight is just begun and together
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we're going to take this country back for the good honest folks who love god, country and vaginal intercourse from the missionary position. my love to medusa and to the kids, faith, hope, charity, grace, sobriety, grace, abstinence and charred in a. >> does that sound like a defeated man? >> jimmy: no. it doesn't even sound like rick santorum as a matter of fact. that's brent santorum, rick santorum's brother. [cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: tonight on the show, from "dancing with the stars," sherri shepherd and her partner val will be here. we have music from slash featuring myles kennedy and the conspirators, and we'll be right back with david spade, so stick around. dhauz we're testing new degree, the only antiperspirant activated directly by movement.
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live claritin clear. [cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: tonight on the program, the latest star forced to turn in her sequins -- from "dancing with the stars" -- sherri shepherd and her partner val chmerkovskiy are with us. and then, one of the greatest manipulators of the guitar who ever lived, with music from this album -- it comes out may 22nd -- it's called "apocalyptic love." slash featuring myles kennedy and the conspirators from the bud light outdoor stage. you can see slash and the guys live on tour starting may 3rd in baltimore. tomorrow night we'll be joined by ashley judd, bobcat goldthwait, and we'll have music from the civil wars. and then on thursday, danny mcbride, dianna agron from "glee" and music from the shins. join us for those shows. our first guest is a very funny actor and comedian with an impressive body of work, both
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professionally and sexually, and his show is called rules of engagement, airing thursday on cbs. please say hello to david spade. [cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how are you? >> hey, man. >> jimmy: curl up. >> i know. i don't think they touch the ground. >> jimmy: we do that to humiliate you. >> [ bleep ] hey, jim. >> jimmy: everything all right? >> chilling out. >> jimmy: what's new? >> laid around all weekend, watched the masters, the golf tournament. >> jimmy: you did? >> i'm into golf little bit. i like that tiger woods and i
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are about the same now. he's not doing as good as he used to. >> jimmy: he's gone down and you've come up. >> i'm not quite there, but we're closer. it's funny to watch him because i remember he was so good. then he got caught with the lady friend. then he was bad. i'm thinking, we need to get this guy some [ bleep ] asap. like yesterday. it's not really a rubik's cube. i figured out the puzzle. he was good, now he's not good. i remember hearing about that because i followed the story. he has 19 mistresses, i heard. i was like, yikes. this girl goes, that's too many. i heard when you're married, one is too many, but i'm old school. i've always been that way. i remember thinking, these girls -- by the way, 19 is a random sampling. let's be honest, we don't know the real numbers. it's like a nielsen rating.
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one equals ten because one or two might not want to come on cnn and proclaim to the world they're a total who are. i remember the mid level ones. i just was watching on a slow news day. we know the rachel girl and like number 11 pops out. tiger [ bleep ] on my feet! well, that doesn't make you look great either. get back into the wood works. you don't want that on your google the rest of your life. >> jimmy: you're very sexy when you curl up like that. >> there we go. it's chenil. >> jimmy: i can't believe you watch golf. you play golf? >> i do play golf. i'm home a lot. >> jimmy: golf is done in the day time which makes it sadder to watch, i think. >> well, yeah. there's a couple sad things about my life, but in the day,
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because my show is not shooting right now. it's on thursdays, but we shot it before. so i'm off right now. when you're off and if you watch tv in the day, they treat you like you're a loser and you're looking for a job. so i didn't know it. i'm just staring. it's like, are you home all day? is there weed on your table? do you want to change all that? no! then i go, oh, my god, maybe i can go to devry. maybe it's not too late. then i see this dui lawyer guy who scared me because he has like jail bars and then he comes out and goes, i'm the best damn dui lawyer in l.a. you call me before it's too late. >> wait a minute, i go, i call you before i get a d ui?
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that's an awkward conversation. i want to set up a lunch. i don't even drink, but i saw your commercial. i realized i'm going to jail soon. i just want to set up a babysitter. >> jimmy: are you in a country club? >> no. i wish. there is one in town that doesn't take actors. >> jimmy: is that right? really? that's the one you got to get in. >> i don't know why because they can be so biassed about, don't let this person in. it's weird they can do that. so i'm not in any of them. i just lay around. >> jimmy: what would struggling writer on saturday night live david -- do you miss that? now that you're a golfer and hanging out with the stars. >> yeah, now i'm a snob. i used to be cool. when i was on snl. i was kind of cool then, mostly when i was a kid. but when i was on snl, a lot of
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people don't know this. guys are dozing off. long story longer. i was a writer and i wanted to be a performer. they go, you write. so i would try to weasel myself into bits. but the problem is, when you're there, if adam sandler or a famous person looked like him, he would play him. or dana would play him. because he was on the show and he's like the best guy on there. so even when michael j. fox came on, the only impression i did. and dana was in so much stuff that they made me coach dana how to do michael ja fox. my first sketch i got on, was called not getting any. i shared an office with chris farley, who you guys know. [cheers and applause ] so we share an office and i would write. he didn't write at lot -- or read, let's be honest.
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[ laughter ] he would just stand behind me and go, david, get all fidgety. what are you doing? i'm writing, jack ass, beat it. and he goes turn around. it's a new thing i'm working on. i turn around he's got my jacket on. don't you give up on it! [cheers and applause ] that's the one we put in tommy boy. and they go, what does this even mean? i don't know. that makes two of us. at least two of us like it. so then i write the sketch for michael j. fox and chris goes, i want to help. i get the sketch on. so i'm nervous. then he goes, what if i said this. oh, yeah, that's funny. so then we go out to do the real show. i'm scared. we're walking during the
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commercial. and he goes, it's going to be funny. >> it's going to be great. and i go what's that? that joke was -- that joke you wrote in is in the movie stripes? he goes, yeah, but no one will know. i go, what are you talking about? it can't be. three, two, one, and i go wait a minute. i'm glaring at him. >> jimmy: did people laugh? >> yes, they laughed like when they laughed at john candy when he did it. [cheers and applause ] horrible. >> jimmy: rules of engagement is the show. more with david spade when we come back. ♪
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>> dicky: if you're going to be in the l.a. area and want to see you show, please call.
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>> jimmy: sherri shepherd and slash are on the way. david looks like a cat ready to pounce. >> just go like up here. look how stupid i look. >> jimmy: you've been doing a lot of shows in vegas at the venetian hotel. >> i do the venetian a lot out there in vegas. it's pretty fun. >> jimmy: you like that, working in vegas? is that something you enjoy? >> yeah. my friends like it better. i'm sort of a crumby stand-up, but i'm getting better. >> jimmy: did they put that on the billboard? >> they say watch david spade practice. no, it's solid. >> jimmy: who goes with you on those trips? >> i got a couple buddies that go all the time. i got a couple buddies from arizona and guys out here, but
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they like to go because everything's free and all i have to do is stress about my shows. so they go nightclub and day club, which is a new trick vegas does to ruin your life even more than they did before. >> jimmy: this is a real thing? >> you would think it's not. at the pool, where you chill and relax from being hungover, but now you get out there and it's a deejay with glow sticks and it's literally one song on a loop. i don't understand it. but it's not good. i'm like, this is our song. no one's saying that. >> jimmy: you go to this? >> i go to the pool because there's nothing to do. it's 110. all my buddies just get hammered. then they find a way to get hammered again that night. while i'm worried about the show. so i just get texts all day. what's your room number again?
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what's your fake name? and then they get wasted and sometimes we go to like a night-time one. when i go to the night-time one, it's hard to flirt with girls, not because i'm 60, but because it's a stumbling block. but the harder part is, they can't hear you. so when i go in, there's a girl right there and 3,000 amps of jet engine and all you go is hey! and what! did you hear about those tornadoes? she goes, new hampshire. i guess it killed like 80 people. >> and i go bachelorette party. i go, are you guessing my questions? she's like, cool. >> jimmy: it's always a pleasure to have you here.
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[cheers and applause ] you can see david in las vegas. you have a show coming up? >> end of april and memorial day, whatever the one in may is and rules is thursday. "rules of engagement" airs thursdays at 8:30 p.m. on cbs. we'll be right back with sherri shepherd and val. ♪ sorry. sore knee.
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>> jimmy: just hours ago, our next guest's pursuit of the mirror ball trophy was suddenly and rudely cut off -- not unlike every time she tries to talk on "the view." she is here tonight to lose her shoes. joined by her dance partner val chmerkovskiy. please welcome the third celebrity eliminated from "dancing with the stars," sherri shepherd. [cheers and applause ] ♪
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>> jimmy: i'm glad to see you cheered up since the last time we saw on television a few hours ago. you were very emotional. >> i didn't see it. >> jimmy: i think we have a clip of it. >> i want to say to every person out there, that thing that scares you the most, that makes you say, i don't know if i can do it, i'm scared, run towards it, because it's so amazing on the other side. >> jimmy: wait a minute. what is that thing that scares you the most is like a lion? should you still run towards it? >> if you my man, i expect you to run towards that lion, jimmy. >> jimmy: i won't be your man
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for very long. i'm very surprised that you got eliminated. you guys did well. val, do you feel like it was going well? >> i guess it's a russian thing. i don't know. >> jimmy: yes, we are very anti-russian here in the united states. >> i average a good week three. >> jimmy: do you blame the rock music? >> no. we had a great tango. i think lenin and bruno loved it. carrie thought my personality didn't come out. so you have to be passionate, not bubbly. >> jimmy: you have to almost be latino and go for it? >> yeah. it was a very big surprise. >> jimmy: you're blaming carrie for it? >> she said i was expressionless. she said she's never seen me so expressionless before and i'm an actress. that's like telling gladys
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knight, you really can't sing. so carrie ann is going to get me black-listed in hollywood. >> jimmy: she's made an enemy that she's going to have to deal with every morning for the rest of her life. you will destroy her, yes? >> no. they're great. a lot of people know it has been a dream of mine to do "dancing with the stars" from season one and not many people get to live a dream. i actually got to live a dream. and i'm so thankful. [cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: your son was at the show. has been at the show. i don't know if you saw this is the clip from last night. there he is. >> oh, no. oh, god! oh, no. maybe that's why i got voted off. >> jimmy: i don't think it helped. maybe a little loud for him in the room.
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>> he was right next to the speaker. >> jimmy: you've been going back and forth together? >> yeah, we've been going back and forth so i can do "the view." i'm a mother. you multitask. you're used to doing more than one thing at a time. you put your mind to it and you do it. it's not like work, i love doing it, i love dancing, i love "the view," so it was never work to me. >> jimmy: some of the other mothers on the show didn't have to go back to new york every week and do a television show in addition to their dancing duties. >> but they had other things to go. gladys had a four-city tour this week. everybody has something to do. they're not just sitting there. >> jimmy: this is why you didn't win. you have to complain, get injured. things have to happen to you. >> oh! >> she's too humble. >> it's too late now. >> jimmy: it is too rate now. it really is.
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did sherri make any mistakes that you can think of? >> i think sherri is incredible. she doesn't make any mistakes. i feel i might have made a couple mistakes along the way as a teacher. she gave me everything. everything, not one argument. everything i ever asked her to do she did. >> jimmy: do you think barbara voted for you? >> i think she didn't. >> jimmy: i don't think she did either. >> i'm pretty sure that is very good for barbara. >> i get to see barbara every day now. >> jimmy: do you think anyone on "the view" dialed in and voted for you? >> i think they did. elizabeth tweeted. >> jimmy: maybe elizabeth did. >> barbara the first week, she said, i voted 12 times, her and her daughter. >> jimmy: whoopi didn't vote, that's for sure. >> you are such an instigator. >> jimmy: you think whoopi's voting? >> whoopi would text me and g how are you holding up? are you doing all right? we're rooting for you, kid.
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so i know all of my ladies were there for me every step of the way. >> jimmy: if only they were voting and this wouldn't have happened like this. maybe they missed you. maybe that's why they weren't voting for you. sadly we have a tradition here and it's time to go outside to hollywood boulevard for the ceremonial burning of the capezios. tonight you were eliminated from "dancing with the stars," and now you must pay the price. guillermo? america has spoken -- and your dance card has been punched. [cheers and applause ] "dancing with the stars" is mondays at 8:00 and tuesdays at 9:00 here on abc. when we come back, music from slash featuring myles kennedy and the conspirators. ♪ ♪
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[ typing ] ♪ ♪ [ camera shutter clicks ] ♪ gets her every time. [ male announcer ] it's hard to resist the craveable nature of the salty peanuts, dark chocolate, and smooth peanut butter in nature valley sweet & salty nut bars. irresistible. by nature valley.
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>> jimmy: this is their upcoming album called "apocalyptic love." here with the song "you're a lie," slash featuring myles kennedy and the conspirators. [cheers and applause ]
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♪ ♪ all you did was make me doubt myself ♪ don't believe you ♪ i don't believe you
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♪ you won't hurt me anymore you won't hurt me anymore the hand i held just held me down ♪ ♪ it took so long now i know 'cause you're a liar, liar all my faith has been ♪ ♪ wasted 'cause you're a liar, liar, i won't sit here and take this anymore ♪ ♪ you can say anything that you want to say but my attention is long gone and turned away ♪ ♪ you're such a lie you're the enemy
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everything you are i will deny ♪ ♪ ♪ i want to hear you scream 'cause you're a liar ♪ liar, i'll just come out and say it, say it 'cause you're a liar ♪ ♪ liar, all my faith has be

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